The Many Deaths of First Contact
by Majorkami
Summary: The result of watching "First Contact" with too much sugar and hyper siblings. How many times can the crew die?


No I do not own any Star Trek series. Thanks go out to trinity for the inspiration of her 'Many deaths of the fellowship'(Lord of the Rings humour). Yes, I'm crazy, and a sicko, and whatever else you choose to call me ( don't let children read numbers 30 and 31). Now onward, to Fifty Ways to Kill the Cast of Star Trek: First Contact!  
  
Picard isn't dreaming when the Borg implant pops out of his face.  
  
The early battle against the Borg cube, onboard the Defiant: Worf: "Prepare for ramming speed!" Random crewman "Sir, it's the Enterprise!" Crash!!! The Defiant plows a Defiant-sized hole through the Enterprise E.  
  
Picard is so old that he loses his grip on the Borg Queen's conduit snake- things from the roof and falls into the cloud of coolant.  
  
Cochrane hits Riker with the bottle of booze he throws when the latter unplugs the jukebox, and the bottle sticks in his head.  
  
The opera Picard is listening to in his ready room is up so loud that the window shatters. Picard and Riker are sucked out into space.  
  
Worf punches through Picard's forehead when Picard calls him a coward. He pulls his hand out of Picard's forehead and tries to shake the grey matter off, saying "Eww! Captain guts!"  
  
When Data turns off his emotions chip, his head twitches so violently that it falls off.  
  
Lily figets with the phaser and vapourises Picard.  
  
When Picard opens the viewport to show Lily Earth, the forcefield isn't there.  
  
During the spacewalk, Worf starts puking. His suit fills up, drowning him in his own puke.  
  
Riker's phaser is set to vapourise when he shoots Cochrane.  
  
When Cochrane is stunned he hits his head on a rock.  
  
The half-assimilated Hawk punches through Picard's faceplate.  
  
For no reason a Borg rips through the conference room wall and kills Picard.  
  
Data miscalculates the distance to the bottom of the missile silo when he jumps, and ends up doing an impression of Humpty Dumpty.  
  
Picard gets so mad in the conference room that his head explodes.  
  
The plastered Deanna Troi walks off a cliff.  
  
The Borg break down the door to sickbay with the first blow, and the flying door transects Dr. Crusher.  
  
Crusher: "Don't shoot, it's me!" Zap! Worf: "Oops."  
  
The Borg Queen's tentacles drop her twenty feet from the deck.  
  
Troi leans a little too far when she's talking to Picard and Data in the missile silo. Deanna: "Would you three like to be al-ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" She lands on Picard and Data.  
  
The red light on the second intake valve actually means something.  
  
Worf kills two random crewmembers from his own security force when he's swinging his phaser rifle around, then it goes off and blows his head off.  
  
In the holodeck: Lily: " I think you got him!" In Picard's blind rage he shoots Lily, then goes back to clubbing the Borg.  
  
In the middle the staff meeting, a mini black hole opens inside the conference room, sucks La Forge in, and closes. They rest of the senior staff looks stunned for a second, then continues with the meeting.  
  
The doors to the missile silo open while the repair crews are all over it, dropping La Forge and three random engineers to their deaths.  
  
The Vulcans miss their landing site and squish all the main characters hanging around to watch the 'historic moment'.  
  
The quantum torpedoes data fires at the Phoenix don't miss.  
  
La Forge's eye implants suddenly come alive and run around on a killing spree. They kill Riker, Troi, Data, Picard, Cochrane, and seven random engineers before Geordi's old visor jumps out of a ditch and squishes them.  
  
When the Borg Queen kisses Data, sparks fly. Literally. Both of Data's heads explode, triggering a warp core breach.  
  
The hazards of a duranium stiffy-Data is so out of practice that he misses his target and stabs the Borg Queen.  
  
Barclay trips while he's holding the copper tubing and it stabs through him.  
  
Troi to Riker: " So don't go criticizing my counselling techniques." Her sharp nails stab Riker every time she pokes him. Riker, too macho-man to get the wounds treated, bleeds to death five hours later.  
  
Picard is beamed down with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg. He falls over from the resulting lack of balance and cracks his head open.  
  
Picard's shiny head blinds the engineers on top of the missile silo. They stumble around aimlessly before falling off the edge.  
  
Lily hits something vital when she shoots Data.  
  
Picard's hissy fit: "No! Noooo!" Smash! Bits of model ships fly out and cut him and Lily to pieces.  
  
Someone throws an orange in Barclay's face. Barclay: "Ahhh, my eyes!" Barclay staggers around clutching at his citric acid-soaked eyes and falls off a cliff.  
  
The Enterprise crew brings exotic new diseases with them into the past. Everyone on Earth is dead in two weeks.  
  
Half the crew's ancestors were killed at the missile complex. When they go back to the future they are wiped out of existence. Naturally, no one notices.  
  
When Geordi is using his infrared vision to find Cochrane: Cochrane takes a drink from his flask, then a horde of rabid weasels jump on him. He falls down thrashing until the weasels eat him to death. When they run off, all that is left is his skeleton. Riker: "Damn! I wanted to shoot him!" Geordi: "That's okay, we'll just find some other historical icon for you to shoot." The two go on a time-hopping rampage and shoot Napoleon, George Bush, Margaret Thatcher, Adolf Hitler, Henry Ford, and Martha Stewart before they try to shoot Gengis Kahn and end up as walking archery targets.  
  
At the time-rift into the past: "We must go back, undo whatever damage they've done." Picard then notices that his hand is now an eggbeater. "Oh damn!" Out of irritation, he blows his head off.  
  
For no apparent reason, a nacelle falls off the Enterprise. The ship spins out of control before crash-landing on the missile complex in Montana.  
  
A random crewmember faints from the heat in Engineering and falls down the warp core. Two more pass out and crack their heads open on the control table.  
  
Picard is listening to the admiral on the viewscreen when he hears a whistling sound, like when While-ee Coyote falls off a cliff. The ship suddenly disappears in a little 'Pow!' with dust rings.  
  
Randowm fangirls swarm Worf and carry him away. He is never heard from again.  
  
The Borg Queen borrows Seven-of-Nine's fanboys to swarm the ship's crew. There's so many that they clog up the warp nacelles and the ship explodes.  
  
The Borg holding the random cutting tool to Picard's throat near the end of the movie slips.  
  
A rabid weasel infestation wipes out the entire population of the missile complex.  
  
When Data gets pulled under the door it closes too early.  
  
Now for our grand totals! Picard: 15, Riker: 7, Data: 6, La Forge: 5, Troi: 3, Crusher: 2 Cochrane: 4, Lily: 2, Barclay: 2, random engineers: 3, random crewmembers: 1, Napoleon: 1, George Bush: 1, Margaret Thatcher:1, Adolf Hitler: 1, Martha Stewart:1, Henry Ford: 1. The winner (or loser) is Picard. Bye bye Shiny!  
  
Anyway, questions, comments, suggestions for the next '50 deaths' movie, flames, all are welcome and desired. 


End file.
